Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Twilight (Book 1) by Stephenie Meyer
Little, Brown, & Company, 2005

When I first heard of this book, it was from a friend of mine who gushed over it, mostly with the phrase, “Edward Cullen is so hot and the book is just amazing!”
Attractive male vampires?  Growing up in the age of Buffy and Angel swooning for each other, enjoying Stuart Townsend’s slinky version of Lestat, and still having Spike AKA “William the Bloody” as one of my Top 5 favorites, I thought this would be a great idea.
And I kept thinking that – just about right up to the point of reading the book.

Simply put, I can’t stand Twilight.

Meyer puts in enough sugary puppy-love romance and gorgeous man-boys to appeal to desperate teens and emotionally unbalanced adults, but her poor attempts at plot lines and purple prose are laughable.
Her protagonist, the “plain” yet apparently incredibly attractive 17 year old Bella Swan moves to Forks, WA, where she spends most of her time complaining if people are nice to her, complaining if they aren’t, and then actually complains that Forks is lush and green – because apparently, friendly faces, loving family, and gorgeous scenery are the bane of her life, excluding her own rather charmed existence.  She is supposed to be highly intelligent, but no real evidence of this is offered by Meyer, who expects her readers to be impressed that Bella reads “Wuthering Heights” several times, or can parrot back enough Biology to ‘impress’ her teacher.
She moves in with her father, who immediately loses all ability to cook and clean his own house, despite having been both divorced and single for over a decade.  Her ditzy mother is a flighty caricature of a parent, and apparently passed on her ability to be incompetent to her daughter.
The only semi-good character in the book is Jacob Black, an American-Indian 15 year old with whom Bella shamelessly flirts, but of course she only does it to get information on the Cullens, since being sincere would be contrary to her personality.
Of all the characters, Jacob is the most realistically written with the most likable personality – he is portrayed as a kind, intelligent, and fairly gentlemanly Quileute boy.
Every new friend she meets is forgotten once she catches sight of Edward Cullen, the eternally 17 year old heartthrob of Forks – and his adopted siblings Emmet, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice.  All the vampires are of course preternaturally beautiful, and Bella’s tiny brain gets obsessed immediately.
Edward catches a whiff of Bella’s blood with his vampire senses and realizes that not only can he not hear her thoughts, but she smells like an incredibly tasty snack.  This leads to an obsession on his part, so he then endears himself to Bella by hating her one day and adoring her the next, and topping it all off by breaking into her room to watch her sleep.  Bella is horrified at this, but only because she talks in her sleep and Edward has been listening in.  Naturally, she forgives him, because apparently she missed the bulletin where it says stalking is creepy, and not conducive to a healthy relationship.
Eventually, all this romantic bliss is interrupted by the Volturi — Meyer’s attempt at The Bad Guys, who show up during the Cullens’ baseball game and decide that Bella must die.  Attempted suspense and an underwhelming action scene follow, during which Bella gets her leg broken, but unfortunately doesn’t die.  Once again, Edward saves the day like, to use a couple of Meyer’s phrases, a big “glimmery Adonis.”
All this character interaction is played out with some incredibly bad dialogue, which might be a reason to read the book as literal entertainment.

The entire basis for the relationship between Bella and Edward is teenage infatuation based on lust (hunger on Edward’s part) that explodes into being.
This is a poor literary example for teens and young adults, since in my mind, it appears to glorify stupidity.  However, it does encourage shying away from sex, which could be a good thing, considering the lack of responsibility found in teenagers when it comes to attempting normal, healthy relationships.  That, and Jacob, are the only points in this book that I would consider to have value.  Considering that I can usually find at least five small things I like even in a fairly bad book, that says a lot.

Meyer has also said in interviews that she has never read a vampire story, such as Dracula, nor seen a vampire movie.  It shows in her writing, believe me – her vampires don’t even have fangs.  I feel that the theory could be postulated that they are, in fact, sparkly elves with a taste for blood.

In fact, even Stephen King has said that she’s not a particularly good writer, and “Twilight” film star Robert Pattinson echoes the same sentiment, but he says it in an adorable English accent.
However, the worst part has got to be the fans of these books.  Some of them are reasonable and realize that it is far from being real literature, but some of them are fanatical about it being “the best book ever!”
Speaking as someone who has both read the books and kept possession of my brain, just because it’s the first or the longest book you’ve ever read, doesn’t make it the best book ever.

This book could be fun to read, if you were bored enough.  It had the beginnings of a good plot, but was executed horribly to the point of being an insult to literature.

Small Favor by Jim Butcher

Small Favor by Jim Butcher
RoC Books, 2008

If you were in the Chicago reality found in this book, were being chased by something in the dark, and happened to dart into a phone booth, who you gonna call?
You might open the phone book in a panic, scrabble furiously at the pages, and come across the only entry under “Wizard”:

Harry Dresden – Wizard
Lost items found.  Paranormal investigations.
Consulting.  Advice.  Reasonable Rates.
No Love Potions, Endless Purses, or Other Entertainment.

The latest book in The Dresden Files series, Small Favor has what is probably one of the most endearing, sarcastic, deeply magical characters in literature: Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden.
Holding the tentatively elite title of Chicago’s only professional wizard, Harry ekes out a living as a private investigator, working mostly for clients who inadvertently get him into violent situations.  Then again, considering that Harry considers Chicago and all those who reside there to be under his protection from any supernatural nasties, he gets himself into violent situations pretty well all by his lonesome.

Jim Butcher does a wonderful job with The Dresden Files, combining folklore with excellent imagination to give every villain a clear personality.  His storylines are vivid, full of twists, and even include hints, so that on occasion, the reader can deduct right along Harry.

Of course, the protagonist is the best; chivalrous, brooding, armed with a magic staff and a wit like Sam Spade crossed with Gregory House, Harry blasts his way through a series of otherworldly obstacles with a biting word and a lot of physical punishment on both sides.  All in a day’s work.
I would recommend this series to anyone who would listen.  I have gnawed my way through seven of the books now, and am officially addicted.
Some adult content, including swearing.

Alchemy Gothic Review

AlchemyGothic.com

Best.  Jewelry site.  Ever.
Alchemy Gothic is one of the established purveyors of jewelry for the darkly inclined, and just about every piece of jewelry in their online catalogue will have you running for your wallet.

They have an interesting backstory of how AG got its start, and also a really lovely online Almanac, which is really handy for people who would like to look up their birth date to see what kind of holiday falls on that day.  I was born on Guy Fawkes Day!  There’s also a few desktop downloads.

Every piece of Alchemy Gothic jewelry is claimed to be fine English Pewter, and the designs are marvelous.  They’ve added a few items, which are pretty amazing; I love the Passion pendant, with its fluid thorn vines and red crystal drops.

No brooches appear to be in stock at this time, however.  For me, that was a shame, because I was very much interested in seeing what Alchemy Gothic had cooked up in their arty little cauldron for ornamental pins.

There’s also some home and office items that are ghoulishly gorgeous, including an inkwell desk set (for drafting that one very special merger plan), and a skeletal hand and forearm that’s perfect for grasping your jewelry.  And those with long hair, delight; they’ve got your delightfully dark tresses covered, with an assortment of clips and hairsticks.
The rings are to die for (pun entirely intended), the bracelets delicious (especially the vampire ones), and the necklaces glittering and glamourous.  The pieces are so ranged in design that they will undoubtedly delight both Victorian afficionados, and death-metal diehards.
There are quite a few Chaos and Pagan symbols, so there truly is something for everyone!

An absolutely wonderful site that makes it clear within a few moments of why the name is so respected.

REVIEW: The Witch’s Shield by Christopher Penczak

The Witch’s Shield
by Christopher Penczak
Llewellyn, 2007

The book comes with an audio CD in the back (the small cardboard envelope in the back), and Penczak walks you through several meditations.  The first track is a grounding meditation, then one for contacting a protective spirit (totem animal, angel, etc), followed by the Lesser Banishing Ritual of The Pentagram, which takes up both the 3rd and 4th tracks.  The chanting part (for the Cabalistic Cross) made me giggle simply because I’m not used to hearing others chant, but I can see it being a great help for people like me who are unsure of pronunciation (the names of the archangels are pronounced by Penczak differently than I do, but he very nicely makes sure to specifically say that pronunciations vary).  Track 5 is instructions for what I would call ‘creating sacred space’ (or circle-casting), and would be the precursor to actually using your workspace for ritual.
Essentially, it’s a portable version of Penczak’s classroom, which would be a great aid to anyone interested in, but too far away, to actually attend.

The book itself is a very interesting read.  Penczak runs through cleansing techniques, herbs, rituals, etc, all for protection.  The first part of the book is essentially a rundown of how you might be adversely affected by others, such as psychic vampires, deliberate (or accidental) psychic attack; I was very happy to see that he cautions the reader that just because you think you’re ‘hexed’, it doesn’t mean that you are!
The book is a nice compendium of personal experiences, sane, grounded advice (which I prefer over the idea of, “Wear this, and nothing bad will ever happen to you!!”), and would be a good reference for beginners.  It’s multi-faith-friendly, but mainly for Pagans.
Stay safe!

Buy this book here at the Parahub Store!

Astrology Online

Astrology-Online.com

This is a fun site that I had seen before, but had lost for a year or three.
It offers detailed information on all the star signs, and even a “compatibility” feature–that is, whether your sign is historically considered compatible with another.  For instance, my sign of Scorpio would be remarkably incompatible with Aquarius, due to my sign being possessive and passionate, and the other being unpredictable and less temperamentally stable.
The site offers daily, weekly, and monthly horoscopes.  There is also a “Prophecy Watch” section where people leave their ‘prophecies’ of the future.  Sort of like a guestbook, but not hugely interesting to me personally.  Most of the prophesies are either obvious jokes, not particularly specific, or they predict imminent disaster of the dire and worldwide type.  Are any of them true?  Time will tell.
There’s quite a few links on the site about personalized birthcharts for sale.  Not quite sure about the authenticity of those.
This site is pretty good for a decent amount of information on your star sign, and I like the fairly easy to use format.  They even have a list of famous people who share your star sign–one celebrity who shared my star sign was Janet Leigh, of “Psycho” fame!